Brain Spooge

Warning - Extreme Rant Ahead!

Okay, maybe not 'extreme' but I am going to vent. I have an issue. In fact, I have such an issue that it is other peoples' issue too. I'm sure you all have experienced, either online, or perhaps in-person a sales experience, or customer service experience in which you are politely asked to provide a feedback rating of your days' undertakings..,

Well, IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

It's bullshit form a customers perspective. It's bullshit from an employees perspective and, when you boil down the elements it's bullshit even from a corporate perspective. And here's my take on why this is.

Story time!

Here I am, Joe Bloggs at Coffee-O-Rama. I've ordered my usual, a skinny-mocha-latte-frapp with hazel syrup and a squirt of cream, y'know.. like any other sane human.

I grab my drink and head to the darkest corner to plot world domination as I enjoy my beverage, I find a little card tucked under my cup... "please rate your visit" the cheery typography chimes at me. Below are three mundane questions each with a 5-star rating to tick.

Was your drink made on the shores of the forgotten lake of Nahelhotep?
Did your server renounce all worldly possessions and swear fealty to you?
Did your drink cost more than the familial income of most small countries?

Well, something along those lines.

And here's where the bullshit begins...

Bullshit Part 1 - The employee

The server, a sweaty looking teenager that has a glazed look on their face will likely have a 'Managerial feedback' process which may or may not include some actual monetary bonus based on the cumulative effect of these little cards. But, generally, and in nearly every example I've found to date... ONLY under the proviso that X% of their card feedback is all ranked as 5 out of 5

And so begins the corporate shaming of any service that isn't seen as FUCKING GOD LIKE.. which in itself is a failing of a company to recognise two things...

Bullshit Part 2 - The customer

As an adult, and being capable of what I hope is rational thought, I have the ability to judge for myself how content I am by any given thing. Being stabbed by an angry and confused meth-fueled-mouse: not so happy about. Being given a shoulder rub by an attractive lady: Pretty happy about. It's not a linear scale, nor does it have a defined frame of reference but sufficed to say I can inwardly decide if I'm happy or unhappy.

And so, a coffee, which required that I take out a mortgage while enjoyable isn't about to have me writhing on the floor in ecstasy. As a customer I have to be aware of certain things, my role in the transaction is to be 'happy' with the outcome.

Most transactions occur without incident and would as an impartial reference be considered 'the norm' - and so in marking the card, I see 1-star as a terrible experience and 5-star being a very good or even extraordinary experience. That means that my mundane morning coffee acquisition which went just fine can only be seen as a 3, perhaps 4 if I'm in a good mood.

BUT WAIT... I didn't mark it as 5? WHAT THE FUCK!?>! AM I CRAZY?

I know from past experience that anything other than 5 means the poor lad that served me isn't going to be up for that end of month bonus. And yet still I did it...

Well here's the thing, my experience WASN'T a 5-star experience, was I greeted politely upon entering and approaching the counter? Did they hurry me or perhaps did they offer assistance in my beverage choice? Did they clean a table for me to sit at? Did they bring my drink over to me, perhaps offer me a paper to read?

There are so many nuanced elements of interaction even in this hypothetical coffee shop that to have a 5-star experience I, as a customer, need to become cognitively aware that something has happened to elevate me from 'buying a coffee' to 'having an enjoyable experience'. if these things do not seep into my brain to be acknowledged then the server has failed to reach that 5-star...

But that doesn't mean they did a bad job, merely that they did their job as would be expected of them. especially when a lot of folks that endure these 'graded' service feedback are on unimpressive wages and have little reason to exert themselves unnecessarily, I cannot begrudge them that.

And so... In my mind, a score of 3 is just fine, the job was done, I am satisfied, the world continues to spin.

Bullshit part 3 - Corporate / Business interest

Now, I don't profess to be a business boffin (I'd be earning a fuckton more if I were) but I think I grasp the basics, please stop me If I'm wrong:

Businesses want to make money

Was I close? Well anyway, I'll continue. In the process of making money a business has to be aware of how efficient it is being, what it's business practice costs financially and the potential gains of its practice. And here's where the 5-star fuckwaddery reaches an all-time peak bullshit.

Let us presume, that poor server lad is now asking that customers give 5 stars so he can get his bonus burrito, and let us assume that all customers are dullards and actually do mark 5 stars on their cards...

This, this selection of lies washes over the most fundamental ideal of business... because now, regardless if that server spat in my drink, throws it over me all while insulting my mother, I mark the card 5 stars but never return for more business...

The managers, looking at their feedback see's a clear 5-star feedback, but their losing money? "how can this be?" they bemusedly wonder?

It's because anytime a customer gives feedback, it should be exactly that their feedback. When it becomes polluted because of incentive or reprisal driven managerial details which only accepts a 5 as being 'acceptable' that feedback is no longer helpful.

Rant summing up