Brain Spooge

Rhubarb sweet & sour / teriyaki sauce.

My Place In The World...

Just like anyone with an email account I get spam email. It just so happens that I have seven email accounts, each of which operates for different uses. Sadly this means I have seven spam folders, and fittingly, seven times as much spam.

For the most part, this is irrelevant, and I usually just eject the miscreant messages into the digital aether, no harm, no foul. Just occasionally, I sometimes find a nugget of interest among the pebbles and detritus of pill offers and bitcoin scams.

Not too long ago, I found an email which I ended up reading out at a live open mic poetry session, such was I taken with it. I'm not usually one to do stand up poetry, but a strange coincidence of events brought it about. And It was actually a little fun.


Today I found a very spammy email. One which in its awfulness just made me smile. My spontaneous smile also then made me sad because I realise that no matter just how terrible the grammar, and regardless of the apparently amusing child-like written nature of the words, this email is written specifically to entice a portion of the population into clicking its included link... and I must assume, that it achieves this goal with enough success that it was worth writing and sending.

Here's the email:

Good day, I'm Alyssa, I'm 24 years old. It's very monotonous near to me, I wish a man to make me a pretty words:( Can U check out my romantic pics, perhaps I can delight u with my stretchy butt, considering that on all of this images I'm clothed only in very small panties. I eagerly desire to lay in the secure men's palms, I just would like U to hit my tits, lick my young kitty, take me on the table... Take a good look at my pics and write in my dating profile, don't make me wait! We can easily spend it lots more interesting ;)

[link removed]

 It starts quite well as far as introductions go, a little bit forward maybe, but it is an introduction without notable fault. But from the second sentence on, it's a highway crash of words and nonsense. And the fact that I have drawn the conclusion that there are people that fall for this just makes me sad for humanity

If there are people that are curious enough or compelled enough by this that the click a link, one which I'm certain will not work out well. I'm baffled how we as a species even managed to successfully propagate when clearly there is a gene for utter blind, self-harming stupidity.

But, I'm a curious fellow, and I'm hopefully tech-savvy enough to bypass any potential threat so, I fire up the necessary digital precations and take a look behind the curtain. Sadly, I find nothing amazing, or even unexpected just a few popped windows for "dating" sites all of which are clearly aimed at men. Maybe If I'd followed the links there'd be an email sign up of some kind and that might be the real trap, but I'm really just not that bothered in finding out and so my interest of the email fades away.

I do however take a little joy, just from the line; "perhaps I can delight u with my stretchy butt". I mean, I know what they were intending, but that particular phrasing just makes me chuckle.

If I leave any sentiment from this waffling rant, it's this:

Warning - Extreme Rant Ahead!

Okay, maybe not 'extreme' but I am going to vent. I have an issue. In fact, I have such an issue that it is other peoples' issue too. I'm sure you all have experienced, either online, or perhaps in-person a sales experience, or customer service experience in which you are politely asked to provide a feedback rating of your days' undertakings..,

Well, IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

It's bullshit form a customers perspective. It's bullshit from an employees perspective and, when you boil down the elements it's bullshit even from a corporate perspective. And here's my take on why this is.

Story time!

Here I am, Joe Bloggs at Coffee-O-Rama. I've ordered my usual, a skinny-mocha-latte-frapp with hazel syrup and a squirt of cream, y'know.. like any other sane human.

I grab my drink and head to the darkest corner to plot world domination as I enjoy my beverage, I find a little card tucked under my cup... "please rate your visit" the cheery typography chimes at me. Below are three mundane questions each with a 5-star rating to tick.

Was your drink made on the shores of the forgotten lake of Nahelhotep?
Did your server renounce all worldly possessions and swear fealty to you?
Did your drink cost more than the familial income of most small countries?

Well, something along those lines.

And here's where the bullshit begins...

Bullshit Part 1 - The employee

The server, a sweaty looking teenager that has a glazed look on their face will likely have a 'Managerial feedback' process which may or may not include some actual monetary bonus based on the cumulative effect of these little cards. But, generally, and in nearly every example I've found to date... ONLY under the proviso that X% of their card feedback is all ranked as 5 out of 5

And so begins the corporate shaming of any service that isn't seen as FUCKING GOD LIKE.. which in itself is a failing of a company to recognise two things...

Bullshit Part 2 - The customer

As an adult, and being capable of what I hope is rational thought, I have the ability to judge for myself how content I am by any given thing. Being stabbed by an angry and confused meth-fueled-mouse: not so happy about. Being given a shoulder rub by an attractive lady: Pretty happy about. It's not a linear scale, nor does it have a defined frame of reference but sufficed to say I can inwardly decide if I'm happy or unhappy.

And so, a coffee, which required that I take out a mortgage while enjoyable isn't about to have me writhing on the floor in ecstasy. As a customer I have to be aware of certain things, my role in the transaction is to be 'happy' with the outcome.

Most transactions occur without incident and would as an impartial reference be considered 'the norm' - and so in marking the card, I see 1-star as a terrible experience and 5-star being a very good or even extraordinary experience. That means that my mundane morning coffee acquisition which went just fine can only be seen as a 3, perhaps 4 if I'm in a good mood.

BUT WAIT... I didn't mark it as 5? WHAT THE FUCK!?>! AM I CRAZY?

I know from past experience that anything other than 5 means the poor lad that served me isn't going to be up for that end of month bonus. And yet still I did it...

Well here's the thing, my experience WASN'T a 5-star experience, was I greeted politely upon entering and approaching the counter? Did they hurry me or perhaps did they offer assistance in my beverage choice? Did they clean a table for me to sit at? Did they bring my drink over to me, perhaps offer me a paper to read?

There are so many nuanced elements of interaction even in this hypothetical coffee shop that to have a 5-star experience I, as a customer, need to become cognitively aware that something has happened to elevate me from 'buying a coffee' to 'having an enjoyable experience'. if these things do not seep into my brain to be acknowledged then the server has failed to reach that 5-star...

But that doesn't mean they did a bad job, merely that they did their job as would be expected of them. especially when a lot of folks that endure these 'graded' service feedback are on unimpressive wages and have little reason to exert themselves unnecessarily, I cannot begrudge them that.

And so... In my mind, a score of 3 is just fine, the job was done, I am satisfied, the world continues to spin.

Bullshit part 3 - Corporate / Business interest

Now, I don't profess to be a business boffin (I'd be earning a fuckton more if I were) but I think I grasp the basics, please stop me If I'm wrong:

Businesses want to make money

Was I close? Well anyway, I'll continue. In the process of making money a business has to be aware of how efficient it is being, what it's business practice costs financially and the potential gains of its practice. And here's where the 5-star fuckwaddery reaches an all-time peak bullshit.

Let us presume, that poor server lad is now asking that customers give 5 stars so he can get his bonus burrito, and let us assume that all customers are dullards and actually do mark 5 stars on their cards...

This, this selection of lies washes over the most fundamental ideal of business... because now, regardless if that server spat in my drink, throws it over me all while insulting my mother, I mark the card 5 stars but never return for more business...

The managers, looking at their feedback see's a clear 5-star feedback, but their losing money? "how can this be?" they bemusedly wonder?

It's because anytime a customer gives feedback, it should be exactly that their feedback. When it becomes polluted because of incentive or reprisal driven managerial details which only accepts a 5 as being 'acceptable' that feedback is no longer helpful.

Rant summing up

This is a thing that's very recently annoyed me... eBay feedback beggars.
It's story-rant time folks!


So, here I am... I am Joe Shmo, the customer...

I go to buy a thing. I buy it and then after I have received it I'm asked by the dude that sold it to me (or more accurately I'm asked by the service through which the item is sold) - "hey chap, would you leave some feedback about your purchase experience so that others can know how the seller is?!"

Which is good, I think it's awesome that we the customer are granted power.

But that power is a two-way street... and involves the seller meeting their promises.

Accurate Feedback

So, when I leave NEGATIVE FEEDBACK, it is for a reason. That reason is that I am informing future customers of my experience so that they can be aware when, or before they make their purchase.

If the seller says, sure I'll deliver it on about day X ... Aand it then arrives on day X+20 (yes, nearly three weeks late) I will damn sure be marking delivery as 'poor' and perhaps even making a comment of it in the 'description'. There's even a giant button at the top which completely encompasses such occurrences... It reads: "Did this item arrive on time? [ Yes ] [ No ]"



I'm not about to lie to other potential buyers, If it arrived late I'll damn well say so. If I wasn't happy I'LL DAMN WELL SAY SO.

Now, fast forward into a world post-purchase, post-feedback-leaving world. I've moved on with my life, my eBay thingy is here, the seller has my money, the exchange is complete.

But then, what's this in my Inbox? A message...? From the seller? (aside from correcting some punctuation I copy/pasted the following verbatim- )

"Dear friends，we have received your negative feedback from eBay regarding to the following item:[cool item number here yo]

We are really sorry for all the inconvenience caused. I hope I can solve the problem for you. if there is anything I can do for help, pls let me know,

Meanwhile, it would be much appreciate if you could revise the feedback to POSITIVE one, as it is really very important for me

We sincerely look forward to hearing from you soon and sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Best regards"

---

First off, I'm super, super stoked that there is an apology of sorts in there (I mean it, apologies are in short supply these days, regardless of sincerity the fact it's there is good stuff).

But, with apology accepted... I reply to them that No, I shall not change my feedback, to do so would be lying. I had rated the 'dispatch time' as poor because of a THREE WEEK DELAY ... And honestly, even giveing two stars out of 5 seems like I'm being kind. I guess I'm marking it as such because it did arrive, and was in one piece when it did so.

Oh There's a kicker;

After I formed this rant, but before I'd typed it all up... I went over to eBay and noted that the seller had not left me ANY feedback. Even though I paid immediately (PayPal via Android)

So, not only are they complaining about my accurate and IMHO, fair feedback ... but they've not even given me any or perhaps are about to give me negative feedback as some kinda blackmail bargain tool.

You know what, I think all in all I was right to mark as a negative experience, even now, well after the purchase, I'm still getting negative experience because of it.

Aaaaand /rant

TTFN peeps.

Boots...

No not the high-street chemist, the footwear.

I know this won't ring true for everyone, but it snuck up on me and left me suffering a feels.

I don't consider myself emotional, if anything, I think I do too good a job of British stiff upper lip and robot-like facial expression.

But I think I'm having to accept that even if my brow remains almost unfettered there's a squishy-feely bit inside, and right now that part of me is quite sad.

Why? Because of my boots.

History

Well, that would be true of anyone that isn't made up of memories and hazy remembrances of times slipped into the ghosts of time, of which I apparently am.

My Boots

There they are, Size 8, falling apart, the rubber soles have perished, the laces frayed, the upper leather is dry and cracked. They look like shit.

To most people. I look at these boots and when I think to myself, "time to throw these out" here's what flashes in my brain.

My first job.

I bought these for my first job as a responsible adult, and more than that they served me through 3 jobs over many years, I've sweat and bled and sworn and these boots were on my feet. In those roles I've met dozens of people some I held as dear friends, these boots were on my feet.

My first love.

In that same time-frame, I met, fell in love with and had my heart broken by my first 'real' adult connection, the elation and the crushing sorrow of that first love, these boots carried me to and from.

My family.

I make no bones about the sad fact that my parents both died early, but in that time when I would walk to their house to visit or offer help in their illness, I can almost certainly state that these were the boots that were on my feet.

Emotional storage

Additional boots

Ok, why now you emotional wreck of a man? what the fuck have these boots done?!

Glad you asked.

Firstly - These are, by far and away, beyond all others...
THE MOST COMFORTABLE BOOTS EVER.

Seriously, walking in these was like a foot massage, that fact alone makes me rather annoyed they have to be thrown out.

Aside from that, ... oh yeah, These are the boots I bought at the moment I went to meet a girl, a girl I now call my wife :)

Oh, did I mention how fucking comfy these were?

---

I'm Mortal

That sucks, I've been sat quietly enjoying some 'retro' soul-funk tunes while playing a game, minding my own business.

But it strikes me, I'm going to die.

And that's kinda shitty, I mean, really... after all this, I just die? That's harsh. I've had some fun times, I've got memories of people, places, events...

I can look around and see all the trinkets I've gathered thus far, my models, my computer, note pads filled with nonsense and whims, even just looking at the battered desk to my left it conjures memories... I was only just 18 or 19... young still, life throbbing excitedly in front of me.

I went places, there's a photo on my right above a window of me, sat gormlessly smiling as my mother took a picture of me I forget where, but I remember we were visiting some dull and uninspiring foreign place in blazing heat... I remember the white walls, the grey rocks...

And fuck it all.

All of this, my memories, my desires my books of nonsense, that picture, that desk - fecking everything here, this meat-body of mine included.

In the long run, it really does mean nothing.

It's infuriating, maddening and fills me with dismay that me, and hundreds, thousands... fucking MILLIONS of people before me, we've all been "here". They're gone now, I'm here.

There have likely been people sat right where I am which are no longer trotting about.

What a silly bloody thing life is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling particularly morose nor am I about to book a single ticket to a specialist clinic in Sweden. But I just can't help but realise how utterly stupid it all is.

I'm worried about my phone bill.

HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT!

I can contemplate my own mortality, but only so far as I can see that existence itself is a bloody joke.
It feels wasteful that I've done all these things, it feels wasteful and quite sad.