Brain Spooge

I'm Mortal

That sucks, I've been sat quietly enjoying some 'retro' soul-funk tunes while playing a game, minding my own business.

But it strikes me, I'm going to die.

And that's kinda shitty, I mean, really... after all this, I just die? That's harsh. I've had some fun times, I've got memories of people, places, events...

I can look around and see all the trinkets I've gathered thus far, my models, my computer, note pads filled with nonsense and whims, even just looking at the battered desk to my left it conjures memories... I was only just 18 or 19... young still, life throbbing excitedly in front of me.

I went places, there's a photo on my right above a window of me, sat gormlessly smiling as my mother took a picture of me I forget where, but I remember we were visiting some dull and uninspiring foreign place in blazing heat... I remember the white walls, the grey rocks...

And fuck it all.

All of this, my memories, my desires my books of nonsense, that picture, that desk - fecking everything here, this meat-body of mine included.

In the long run, it really does mean nothing.

It's infuriating, maddening and fills me with dismay that me, and hundreds, thousands... fucking MILLIONS of people before me, we've all been "here". They're gone now, I'm here.

There have likely been people sat right where I am which are no longer trotting about.

What a silly bloody thing life is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling particularly morose nor am I about to book a single ticket to a specialist clinic in Sweden. But I just can't help but realise how utterly stupid it all is.

I'm worried about my phone bill.

HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT!

I can contemplate my own mortality, but only so far as I can see that existence itself is a bloody joke.
It feels wasteful that I've done all these things, it feels wasteful and quite sad.

So here's a thing... I have, over the course of many years now, been "making" a tabletop game.

It's really nothing more than an excuse for me to fiddle about writing up rules that will likely never be used by anyone, in a game system that only I will ever be cognisant of.

I've spent quite a few hours of my life doing this.

In some way's it's a little depressing, in others I guess I'm happy per-sé that I occupy my time essentially engaged in logic puzzles of my own devising.

Anyway...

I've come to a point now where I'd like to finish my project. Heck, I'd even like to be able to retail it, but that's a different pipe dream. For now, I'll focus on the bizarre nature of the things that occur just because they do while I'm around.

So. I ended up making a 3d mock up of two katana blades resting on some ryo (old Japanese currency) I did this for the stupid reason that IF I were to sell this game of mine, I'd have to provide images which aren't simply copied from somewhere online... copyright and all that nonsense.

To that end, where I've not been able to find a creative commons license image to suit my need, I'd been coming up with my own ways of producing the desired image. Including doodles, photoshoppery goodness, photographs and now... well, I went ahead and spent the best part of 4 hours producing the 3d models for the ryo and getting a suitable (and freely usable) katana model.

I then spent time making the texture files, and in the case of the katana, learning how to 'bake' texture files... bringing it all together in Tabletop Simulator - which makes for an excellent virtual environment in which I could easily add lighting, shadow and quickly pose my virtual props.

All of which, all the time, the effort, learning new blender stuff... 4, perhaps 5 hours of my life... all just for this: